VIEW FROM THE BENCH!

And so to another season, already well on it’sway by the time you receive this. As for me well, I can’t believe the summer is already over. Not a big fan of the winter months, me and no matter how many times I get told that it’s been the driest September since year dot or how we’ve had unseasonably good weather, it just never seems to be enough for my liking. Hot ‘n’ sunny all day everyday - that’s what I like. Must’ve been a lizard in a previous life or something!

There seems to be a shift about of the teams from what I can gather this season. SEEVIC girls have disappeared to be replaced by a mixed side competing in Men’s Div 2, Comets, sadly have dropped out of Men’s Div 1 after working so well together as a team to earn promotion. Something of Deja vu going on here as I’m sure Highwood Hawks did something very similar at the beginning of last season. Brentwood Wildthings are enjoying their lofty position at the top of Men’s 1 for at least the 3rd year running, possibly more and I see it largely down to Tendring or Rascals to knock them off as I can’t see anyone else doing it........... unless Redden Court want to prove me wrong!!

YMCA Romford see themselves with their very first ladies side. After the enthusiastic, if not entirely successful campaign at Leeds, the squad bore out enough girls to form the Romford ‘Ravens’ after Romford ‘Old birds’, ‘Dogs’ and ‘Elvie’s Girls’ (Really, Tsk) were rejected. Essex Estonians return to NVL Men’s Div 2 after virtually whitewashing Men’s 3 last season and are also taking part in London League Div 1. Anyone interested in playing for them should contact Ben Wilson or Greg Brown. Brentwood just missed the cut to follow Estonians up to Div 2 so I’ll eagerly await their performances in Men’s Div 3 with their revised side. Chelmsford continue their Ladies and Men’s campaigns in Div 2 & 3 respectively.

As always, articles are the lifeblood of this magazine so anything that you wish to include should be forwarded to myself:-

Paul Elverstone, 91 St Michaels Close, Aveley, Essex RM15 4SY
email: elvie@cluttons.com

Other than that, have a good season, people and I’ll see you on court

Elvie

2

View From the Bench                                                                                                    2.
Time to do it all again.

World according to Prozac                                                                                          15.
This issue we see Prozac explain the difficulties of constructing his own bridge
from discarded woodland materials.

Readers Lives                                                                                                                  18.
‘I have something to say...’ Yeah, about two pages worth. Who is it this time.

League Tables                                                                                                                  20
How the 2001/02 season finished.

Stuff you don’t need to know                                                                                          22.
Different title, same crap! Marvel at the triviality (is that a word??) of life.

Chelmsford Partners begin their Campaign                                                              4.
Openers for the Mens & Laides sides.

Summer League Review                                                                                                        6.
Wookie and ‘Timebomb’ Tom look forward to their first peice of silverware.

Brentwood reflect on Poole Tourney                                                                                8.
Jon Pennock whets a few heads at Hamworthy Rec.

Dooooooown to Margate                                                                                              12.
Romford search for a Walton alternative.

Chelmsford’s first win of the season                                                                              14.
Ladies impress with hard fought victory.

Bath Tournament                                                                                                              15.
Be amazed at how Prozac can write the article and hardly mention volleyball at all.

...and the new top dogs on the beach are....                                                              21.
TP explains how youth and power have taken over from experience.

-3-

Chelmsford Partners Men start season with two defeats

Words: Ken Edwards, Chelmsford Partners

National League Division 3 East is going to be a tough place for Chelmsford Partners if their first two matches of the season are anything to go by. Playing well they were just piped 3-2 by Guildford International in their first match and were on the wrong end of a 3-0 defeat by Sussex in the other.

With two new signings in youngster Rees Warren and Warren King both from Brentwood, Chelmsford traveled in good spirits to the purpose built Ashcombe Volleyball Centre in Dorking Surrey for their first matches of the new season. They had recorded wins over both Guildford International and Sussex last season and hopes were high for a strong start. During the warm up against Guildford it became clear that Matt and Nigel Marriott had been delayed on the journey, so coach Paul Bohannan had to rejig the starting six using both new players. Chelmsford utilised a one setter system with Steve Peacock King and Mike Parkinson through the middle, Rees Warren and Cengiz Turkoglu outside hitting with Paul Bohannan setting and Warren King playing opposite. Ken Edwards was sub. Partners began the set well and held early leads at 5-2 and 15-10 but could not maintain form allowing Guildford to level at 19-19. Warren was a threat outside, but Guildford were always capable of taking points and were a closer knit unit taking the first set 25-23 as the Marriott brothers arrived, having gone to Guildford’s alternative venue.

The second set saw a re-vitalised Chelmsford take an early stranglehold on the set which they never released, leveling at 25-14 on the back of some strong hitting by Warren including one delightful line smash. The third set saw Matt and Nigel Marriott join the side on court, but by then Partners cause was hopeless as the let the set slide 25-13. Knowing the needed to respond, spurred the blues from Chelmsford on and they responded with clever attack play and dogged defence led by Parkinson and Warren. The set was even steven in the first stages, but Partners gradually edged ahead and leveled the match 25-19 to take it into a sudden death fifth to only 15 points. Within seconds of the teams going on court it seemed as if Guildford were 5-0 up. Partners responded with the left handed Matt Mariott leading the charge to recover 3 points but by the change of ends they were still stuck on 3 to Guildford’s 8. Partners tried every trick they knew to reduce the deficit, but Guildford ground out the points they needed taking the set 15-10 for a 3-2 victory.

It was clear from the warm up for the next match that Sussex had one objective only and that was all out attack . This was a totally different side from last season -new players, a competent coach and whole new attitude. For this game Chelmsford starting six was Bohannan and Matt Marriott setting, Nigel Marriott and Edwards middle with Warren and Parkinson outside attack. The match started at a furious pace and when there was time to draw breath, Partners were somewhat bemused to still be equal at 4-4. Sussex played complex attack patterns and in Nap they had a player whose speed, height in the jump and power, would trouble sides right up to Division 1. Whatever Partners tried, the result seemed to be the ball ended up coming back fast into their back court. Chelmsford relied on gritty defence from Warren, Edwards and Parkinson to stay in rallies, but without a reliable outlet for their attacks, they were all too often unable to turn defence into points scoring attack. Partners used all their players during the game, but to no avail and although they were able to live with Sussex for long periods and at time behind clever serving from Parkinson, Edwards and Matt Marriott, in rallies they eventually succumbed to Sussex power. The loss of 20-25, 24-26, 21-25, shows that Partners played well, but did not do quite enough to secure a set, going closest in the second when they saved four match points to level at 24-24 before losing that momentum.

After the match coach Paul Bohannan pronounced himself well pleased with the new recruits Warren King and Rees Warren. Rees was awarded the Mallinson man of the match award by the referees for his overall contribution to the Chelmsford performance which justly recognised his enthusiasm and agility on court. With two players still to return from leave, Partners have a stronger squad this season, but can be under no illusions that other clubs have also moved on and up in terms of ability. This will be a tough year.

Next matches see Chelmsford again away this time in London to play Tower Hamlets Lynx and East Hants on 13th October.

Chelmsford Partners unable to overcome Tower Hamlets

Words: Ken Edwards, Chelmsford Partners

Chelmsford Partners were unable to open their account with a win as visitors to Tower Hamlets Lynx going down narrowly over four sets.

Chelmsford travelled to London buoyed by the return to full fitness of player/coach Angela Hill only to find that Simone Blackmore who also returned at the end of last season had been ill overnight and was only just able to play. The rest of the squad Sara Heaton, Shona Angus, Bea Fryer , Salle Morris and Janelle Catzim were all in good form and it was unfortunate that they could not turn the early pressure into points. Tower Hamlets Lynx relied heavily on the hard outside attack and after weathering the early Partners pressure held on to a slender lead to take the first set 25-23.

The second set was equally competitive with the more subdued Blackmore effective through the middle in putting pressure on the home side’s defence, if not being quite so devastating as usual. Partners served well and did not allow Lynx to take charge levelling with a 25-23 set for 1-1.

In the third Hill was really forced to rest Blackmore and switched Catzim into the middle role. This change to their normal line up unsettled Partners and Morris and Heaton were suffering in the block from the persistent pressure of Lynx attacks. At 17-11 down they set to Catzim in the middle and she creamed the ball away for the point. This showed that the middle was worth using and could win points and this became the safe outlet when the ball in to the setter was good enough. Chelmsford rallied to close the deficit, but too slowly going down 25-21.

The fourth set saw Partners flatter to take an early lead before falling away badly in the middle of the set with unforced service and receiving errors. The damage done Lynx relaxed and allowed Chelmsford a glimmer of hope only to snuff it out with a crushing final smash. The score 25-17.

The referee, Charlie Orton picked out Catzim as Chelmsford’s player of the day and she received the Ken Pearce award from player/coach Hill. Next weekend sees Chelmsford at home also against London opposition when on Sunday Polonia visit Anglia University sportshall for what could be a close encounter.

-5-

WILDCARDS SNATCH SUMMER LEAGUE TITLE

Words: Steve Corr, Tom Martin, Romford Wildcards

Romford have never been known as great timekeepers. Half of us don’t feel we need wrm-ups and the other half are happy just to go on court cold and spank volleyballs from the first whistle.  This is exactly the scenario we found ourselves in within the first week of Summer League. With barely 30 seconds before being called onto court for our first game vs one of the various Brentwood teams, we found ourselves displaying our typical unprofessionalism that we are slowly becoming renowned for. Spanning the board with equal measures of youth, power, experience and idiocy, with the like of Paddy, Jamin, Cladman and Prozac as the entertainment value (did you know he’s got his bodyfat monitor to read of the chart now??), myself and the Wookie, with our own hidden talents, surprised no-one by keeping them well hidden, we went onto court with our normal blind optimism that saw us fail to return any kind of ball for the first five points!!. Opting for the safe play, a ball to four was fed to Elvie who, with cunning accuracy and undeniable skill, managed to find the exact centre of the net with ease. Sets began to be sprayed everywhere - everyone had a hit. I couldn’t even push the ball into court with a volley!!. Very soon we were 13-1 down, Clad’s face had now surpassed red and was now turning a very distinct shade of purple, Prozac had been subbed for the plastic fern in the lobby and slowly we concluded that the eclectic mix of Rascals and Wildcards just wasn’t working. Still, it provided us with a rather stern wake-up call and we fared better in our second match which we managed to win with remarkable ease ending the day 1-1.

Slowly we concluded that the eclectic mix of Rascals and Wildcards just wasn’t working.  As the rest of the weeks went by we managed to find our groove a little. Unsurprisingly we lost a couple of the glory boys. Ben had to look elsewhere for his court time and we never even saw Elv again. In this absence we grew stronger as a side and in week 2 won both of our matches comfortably. Week 3 saw us draw again, 1-1throughout the evening but the next two weeks saw four more victories fall our way.

This left us with an 8-2 aggregate which was enough to put us into the semi-finals.   Curiously enough, as the semi’s rolled round, Romford once again had an abundance of players. Isn’t it funny how that always seems to happen. Anyhow, the semi went pretty good for us. Although close we managed to scramble a 2-0 result to put us in the final. At last, a chance for some silverware. After our surprise third place in Men’s 2nd div and narrowly losing out to Redden Court in the semi of the Tachkikara Plate we felt that this was the one to bring home the spoils.

Unsurprising perhaps that we were to play Brentwood in the final. Themselves with a heady mix of new and established players, much like ourselves, it proved to be a fairly even competition. The two human fleas, Prozac and Rees, cancelling out each others tarty hitting and Ben and Tony eyeing each other up (in the sporting sense) throughout the match. And so it went on. The first set ebbed and flowed with good hitting from both sides but Brentwood were unable to counter the Cladman. His cacky fingered, spine contorting shoves to pos. 1 with alarming regularity saw us steal the first set 25-19.

Undeterred Brentwood came back strong at the start of the second set and Romford displayed a gameplay commonly referred to by some of the oldest members of the club as ‘Blue Star Syndrome’ One can only guess what this meant but perhaps the way that we totally fell apart in the second set after trying really hard in the first could provide us with some insight!! I could see Elvie on the bench shouting and screaming. Slowly his alter ego, Stressed Eric, emerging and now in full swing.

Romford displayed a gameplay commonly referred to by some of the oldest members of the club as ‘Blue Star Syndrome’ Thankfully at 19-9 we were blessed with an interruption that gave the Wildcards a chance to regroup. As luck would have it (but not for Lou - Ed) the ever enthusiastic Tony Clark collided rather heavily with Lou. In fact it wouldn’t be unfair to say the he hit her with the force of a fully laden 10 cart locomotive carrying ‘weightwatchers’ back from the chocolate convention and connected with a reverse elbow that ‘The Rock’ from WWF would’ve been please with. This resulted in a referee’s timeout, a chance for us to work out how the hell we were losing this and for Tony to compose himself quickly enough to apologise without smirking just a little! Thankfully Louise was OK and it was back to game on.

After the restart things weren’t so bad for us. Sure we were still losing but slowly making back ground. With more momentum we actually came back at Brentwood quite strongly and although they nipped the set in the bud at 25-23 we took the final on point’s difference.

At last the Wildcards had won something, albeit with a little help (and hindrance!!) from Rascals. Our prize was eagerly awaited as I believe last years winners (think that was Brentwood again) received beer and a volleyball for their efforts. We received a hand written piece of paper with ‘First’ written on it!. Was this really what all the effort over the past 8 weeks was for?? A little disappointing but even so, we were proud of our piece of paper and our performance throughout the season over so many good teams. We shall display it with equal pride with all our other trophies.

POOLE 2002

Words Jon Pennock, Brentwddo

Brentwood volleyball club again invaded the Hamworthy Rec. on the August bank holiday for what again proved to be the best outdoor volleyball tournament of the year.

Brentwood Men’s national league team had decided to enter the second division, which the team had won two years previous. They had 3 objectives for the weekend; the first of which was to win division 2, the second was to drink a lot and the third was to stitch up Poole virgin, Tom Robinson. The whole team was there by the Friday evening and after a couple of burgers headed up to the bar full of hope for the next day. However, after a couple of hours there was a vicious rumour going round that we would in fact be playing in the first division! But the team dismissed this and continued to try and complete objective 2 of drinking a lot.

We awoke to sunny skies the next day, went over to find out which court we were on and there it was, the schedule for the first days play. To our shock and amusement, we found ourselves in division 1 on the show court with Aquila 2, KAPNAH from Holland, Lynx and local rivals Essex. Up first were the Aquila boys.  Having watched the tournament for the past 3 years we had expected a team of finely tuned athletes and some good quality volleyball. However I think most of their team was still in bed and Brentwood began the weekend with a 2-0 victory. Next up were the Dutch boys. Brentwood played well and managed to take the first set but were then soundly beaten in the second, but spirits were high as Brentwood topped the table. The joy was short lived though as the team found out that today wouldn’t count for anything and we would be sorted out tomorrow into the proper groups. The team faced two more matches losing 2-0 to Essex and halving their match against Lynx.

After dinner that night the team felt it appropriate to now attempt objective 3. Armed with money and a sneaky bottle of absinthe the team attacked the bar, found a table and with high expectancy began the games. Chairman James Phillips introduced the game of touch the box.

-8-

A new game to many and so punishments were plenty and the nervous looking Robinson was prime target as whenever there was a split decision the vote always went in his favour. By 11pm Tom Dean and myself took Tom R to the toilets to blow chunks at the porcelain, but instead of heading to the toilets he headed outside to the bushes. After falling over into one of them we felt it time to head back inside and leave Tom to sleep it off. Back at the table we continued with a few rounds of the legendary 3-man game.

Eventually our consciences kicked in and we went to get Robinson back but he was nowhere to be found, so the team went looking and found him in the children’s playground. Displaying our fallen comrade proudly above our shoulders he was paraded across the field in full song - even Robinson joined in with a fine rendition of shaggy’s ‘it wasn’t me’. And that night the team slept well in the knowledge that objective 3 was completed.

The team were delighted to find that they had avoided the 2 big teams in Sundays groups and were also pleased to have a chance for revenge against Essex, but the team now knew that they were seven and a half players rather than eight as Tom Robinson was feeling the events from the night before. First up again were the Aquila boys from the previous day but this time some of their players managed it out of bed and Brentwood were beaten 2-0. Next though was the big game for Brentwood and that was the return match against Essex. We lined up with Dave ‘Jurassic vein’ Fenech as setter, Jon Pennock opposite, the monster pairing of James Phillips and Ian Bailey in the middle with Tom Dean and coach for the weekend, Tony Clark through four. Ashley Parsons stepping in backcourt for the immovable objects running the middle. The first set was a masterclass by the Brentwood boys although instead of calling it the first set I think a better name would be the ‘Jimmy Phillips Show’ as he was unstoppable through the middle. Jumping like Zebedee on Speed, Phillips was everywhere hitting past the helpless Essex block and the ‘Jimmy Phillips Show’ ended with Brentwood well on top.

Brentwood then had two more games to play and they knew that if they won both then they would be in the semi-finals the next day. Unfortunately Brentwood met a strong Milton Keynes team and lost 2-0. The team knew they needed something special for the last match of the day and decided to bring out the Tendring warm up game of hitting the ball as hard as you can at your team mates who are sitting in the middle of the circle. But it didn’t work and a team of Johnny foreigners promptly kicked us off court and we headed to the bar knowing that the next day we would be playing off for seventh place.

Whilst in the bar it was realised that if we lost the next day we would be reffing another game. Nobody volunteered and so after a quick game of 3-man it was decided that the eight players would race and then drink a pint of beer and the last two to finish would referee the next day. The team were confident that they would all be competing not to finish in seventh place as the eighth place was already guaranteed to Dave ‘the sipper’ Fenech. And they were; off some taking the safe route and others hopping the barrier for a little time advantage, however this proved a big mistake for Tony who got his leg in all sorts of problems and had to be freed by an onlooker, to his credit he carried on. The boys ran hard and with foul play by Phillips along the way they all made it back to the bar and commenced drinking. This took some time however as everyone was gasping for air but as expected it was Dave who would be reffing with Tom Dean.

That was night over for most but Tony had to go to hospital with his leg and returned with a bandage a bit later. Fortunately for Dave and Tom we won the match the next morning to claim seventh place ahead of Lynx and after packing away and watching the Dutch boys lose in the final for the first time we headed back home having completed 2 out of 3 objectives and all having had a brilliant time. Same again next year.

-10-

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Dooowwwwnnnn to Margate!!!

#forget your Costa Brava, I’m telling you mate I’d rather, have a day down Margate with all the family#! (In your best Chas ‘n’ Dave please!!)

Words Elvie, Romford Rascals

If there are two things that I’ve found out through the course of my life, it’s this: don’t trust politicians. They flatter you with promises of a Utopian lifestyle and then become the masters of spin when their best laid plans fall flat on their faces. Secondly, don’t listen to weathermen! - they haven’t a clue and they’ll screw your summer up! Take the first weekend in August for example. Typically the weekend of the Walton Classic tournament, sadly this was cancelled due to council intervention (does anyone know their public stance on this?). Instead an intrepid and robust faction from Romford decided to brave the elements that the London Met Weather Centre had promised us and make a day out of it at Margate, one time stage of the Beach Volleyball Grand Prix tour. As it happened not all of us were that robust. The weathermen had already done the damage in putting off a number of people from Romford making the journey, but those who went were well rewarded.

Admittedly it wasn’t sunshine all the way. Joining the M20 and all through Rochester it was wetter than a haddocks bathing costume and maybe, just maybe, Michael Fish and all his shiny suited cronies were right. Slowly though the skies opened, clouds disappeared and that big fiery yellow thing shone through like ....... er....... a big fiery yellow thing. Ahem, anyway, as we arrived at Margate we were greeted with glorious sunshine. Literally, not a cloud in the sky.

Ben, TP and Pugs were already on the beach warming up while myself, Prozac, Danny and Clare made our way towards them with the net. Thankfully, Prozac some years ago sacrificed his University grant to buy this outdoor kit and I’d say he’s already had his money out of it. By about 11:30 we had a court set up on a lovely, flat, largely stone free beach. As there were only 7 of us we decided to play a round robin of 1 set, first to 21. This really was just a ‘play it as it comes’ scenario. No form or function to the matches.

No-one knew what to do or how to play this, just make sure everyone partnered and played against everyone else by the end of the day. 1 point to the winners, nothing for the losers, top four go to a final. We also used the 8 x 8m court which was new to myself and a couple of the others. Took a little while to adjust too with most of my shots going just past the baseline (insert your own punchline!) but after watching Ben and TP who are becoming seasoned Beach Volleyballers, you realise that control wins over brute ignorance every time.

Sand, as I’ve always said, is a great leveller and this was no exception. No one person dominated, although TP did seem to have a particular off day. The first touch, also a little different from indoor rules, took a little getting used to as well. Eventually we came down to the top four and partnered 1st & 4th positions against 2nd & 3rd. This meant that myself and the effervescent Prozac vs Ben and Paddy. It was a close run thing and this is where I normally chirp about how great the weather was and how a good time was had by all and try to disguise the fact from the reader that Ben and Paddy beat us 22-20, 21-19. Still, it was a great day, the sun shone continuously and Margate is a beautiful Beach to play on. Even the sea seemed welcoming - much more so than the ba***rd jellyfish that stung both Danny and I!! Didn’t have time to sample any of the ‘white knuckle rides’ of Bembon Brothers or Dreamland or whatever it is they call themselves nowadays but with a bit more of an idea you could easily spend the weekend down there.

At less than 90 minutes away from Romford it’s barely any further than our other favourite, Walton but the beach is bigger and arguably better, there are more arcades and amusements with a funfair to boot and has B&B’s by the bucketload. Next year we’ll see if we can get the whole club down there!! Right then, who’s got the bucket and spade? Looks happy for a guy who came last Look doesn’t he at my sexy body!!

-13-

The World according to Prozac

Twas the morning of Friday, July 26th and the eagerly anticipated Whitefield’s (Bath) V-ball tournament loomed! Unfortunately for little old yours truly, so did Barking & Dagenham Sports Development Unit’s staff "team-building" training day (attendance was mandatory).

This presented a small problem as the bloody thing didn’t finish till 6pm, car-less & poverty stricken me always needs a lift to tournaments, and everyone I knew was leaving for the Promised Land around midday. I suppose I could have got a ride with someone early the next morning. As most of Romford can testify to, I don’t have a huge problem with getting up at ridiculous hours of the morning for tournaments, but missing the Friday night festivities was not to be thought of!

I have been known to go to considerable and unorthodox lengths to ensure my attendance at various team gatherings (memories of hurtling along the M2 in a "borrowed" Uni minibus spring fondly to mind), but getting out of this training day was proving difficult. I believe my beloved boss, Steve Bentall’s exact words were "I know you’ve got a bloody volleyball thing this weekend, I don’t care if you’re ill, injured or dead, anyone who doesn’t do the team-building day doesn’t work this summer!" This would have been a shame as this is a sweet job that has kept me in beer tokens throughout my Uni career for doing not very much work.

Crisis was fortunately averted when good old Pugsley agreed to stick around and wait for me (much to the annoyance of Paddy and Cleaver who were also blagging a lift). An added bonus was me having to take all my tourney gear with me to work, giving me a valid excuse for having my beloved Super-Soaker (Charlene) with me at the training day (Steve’s face was priceless).

Pugsley’s arrival that evening posed new problems, specifically fitting the four of us plus all our kit, beer, tents and more beer into the rather ‘dimensionally challenged’ Pugsmobile. A bit of crystal-maze type rearrangement later however, we were well on our way! The journey was quite a pain in the arse, literally, as due to the immense amount of kit we had in the car, I was curled up in a ball on the back seat (foot space full of kit) sitting on top of something sharp, and was sandwiched in between Cleaver’s shirts hanging off the window, and several precariously balanced crates of lager that were threatening to crush me whenever Pugsley turned right. The excessive weight we were carrying had the amusing added effect of causing Pugsley’s exhaust box to drag on the tarmac whenever we went over the slightest raise in the road....or so we thought. Closer inspection at the next pitstop revealed the noise had actually been made by a rather sharp wheel arch gradually digging a groove ever deeper in the rear left tyre. Since there was pretty much bugger all we could do about this somewhat dangerous problem, we just carried on going with Paddy and myself considering the various possible outcomes of a high-speed tyre blowout (Cleaver seemed in the best position to survive every scenario, while the best I could have hoped for was the 60-70mph left turn, where all the lager would have crushed Paddy & Pugsley to death and I would probably have got away with whiplash from the inevitable rear impact from the following car).

With these happy thoughts in mind, Paddy and I laughed the journey away while Pugsley and Cleaver proceeded to get us lost. Eventually, after many phone calls and a stop off at the local plod-shop (where some dopey WPC drew us a line on a photocopied map taking us the wrong way round the one-way system), we managed to get to the campsite.

Romford have never camped at the actual tournament site at Bath, preferring the freedom of Newton-Mills campsite just out of town. It has it’s own bar and quite nice showering facilities, but I was more concerned with my ongoing engineering project, codename: ‘Operation - Bridge Over the River Kwai’.

Still, plenty of time for that later, now’s the time for drunken merriment! It was a pleasure as always to catch up with Ian "Fat-Bloke" Farnill, as well as all the usual friendly faces. All the usual alcohol fuelled happiness duly ensued with some nipping off early to bed and most others staying up nattering the wee hours quietly away. Well, quietly by our standards but evidently far too loud for the miserable old sod who ran the place (and also "everyone else on the whole campsite" apparently) who came over to have a go at us every five minutes (Elvie gradually progressing from slurred apologies to surprisingly logical arguments as to why we should be allowed to do whatever we liked and he should f**k off).

Next morning saw me up far too bloody early even by my standards. With boredom rapidly setting in, I was obliged to rouse my esteemed colleagues from their slumber by way of Super-Soaker. After the usual gracious collective appreciation for their refreshing awakening, the team were off hit some balls about!

As for the tournament itself, ah come on, it was a bloody tournament. Courts everywhere, balls flying about, hideous outfits, harassed voices on loudspeakers moaning about late registrations, everyone generally messing about, you know the drill. One added bonus of the Bath tourney that’s worth mentioning is the top men & women’s divisions being inside the main building on indoor courts with some of the country’s top teams beat the crap out of the ball at each other. Always worth popping in between games to have a look.

Romford had a pretty good time. We entered a mixed and a men’s team, both just mucking around in the bottom divisions. One of the first things Pugsley did was beg a go of my Super-Soaker and promptly broke the thing (*#%$@#*!!!!!!!). We had plenty of the usual fun on and off court. We had great fun taking the piss out of one annoying ref who seemed to be making his own rules up as he went. He eventually lost his rag with us and decided have a go at Ben Wilson and Mark Brooks (of all people). The sight of this small, tubby guy getting bawled out by Ben & Mark was quite comical to watch. Eventually the ref thought better of it, tossed his whistle to one of his mates and scarpered for his tent.

The traditional evening meal was taken this year to Pizza Hut. Lots of food-related fun, waitress baiting, playing with the free crayons, etc. A few of us even managed to blag some magic trick kiddie toys, which I soon discovered were a great way of annoying Elvie!

The evening’s entertainment laid on by the tournament has been in gradual decline ever since they did away with the karaoke (Myself, Elv, Rance and a few others slurring away Ashley and he’s new creche! Go on Joe, see if you can fit it all in tunelessly to ‘Paradise-City’ will always be a treasured memory).  The tried and trusted mix of a field full of volleyballers and buckets of alcohol, however, can always be relied upon for a few giggles. I seem to recall one of a group of inebriated young ladies thinking it would be a jape to bare her various assets to a very appreciative Romford audience from the bar window. Also, I believe there was a rather large support structure that I wouldn’t have looked twice at had not some idiot painted "Do Not Climb" on it in big red letters, you can guess the rest. I was feeing rather unwell by the end of the night and don’t really remember everything that happened. The adventures of Cleaver and an entire 70cl bottle of neat Bacardi, for example, remain largely a mystery to me. I crawled into my tent wishing I was dead.

The next morning I thought I actually was. My fragile state earned Romford a rare reprieve from their usual watery wake up call, not that it really mattered since Charlene was still broken (I hate you Pugsley). The second day of the tournament saw more jumping around and hitting balls at people. We had some moments of on-court brilliance and lots of moments of on-court crapness, but all in all another fun day at the office.

But enough of that! If you want to read about actually playing volleyball at a volleyball tournament, then you’ve clearly missed the whole point of these things. I know what you all really want to hear about… Operation – Bridge Over the River Kwai!!!

Every year I attempt to build some kind of structure, which can support a person, spanning the stream next to our usual camping site, using only natural materials available on location. This year I finally did it!!! Someone had apparently cut down one of the trees and left a big chunk of it down the ditch that the stream ran through. After considerable effort moving this thing, which was significantly bigger than I was, with no help from my lazy team mates I might add, I was proudly standing upon my bridge. Unfortunately it was rather unstable and needed some sticks and stuff wedged under the sides. I soon found that the amount of support this thing would need to stabilize it would start to block the stream. So I decided to make a dam!

There were plenty of rocks further down the campsite, so with my useless team mates once again looking unhelpfully on, I carried loads of these rocks back to my bridge and lobbed them under it. Eventually I had constructed an awesome feat of engineering! A testament to the amazing ingenuity inherent in the more gifted of God’s great human race! It had a little waterfall type thing running over it and everything! Best of all were little 5-year-old brats mucking around in the water upstream. One minute playfully splashing about with the water around the ankles of their wellies, the next, crying for mummy to help them out as the filthy, freezing effluent rises up to their arses, chuckle chuckle!

I probably wont get to find out if "Prozac’s Amazing Dam" survives till next year, as chances are Romford wont be allowed back to that particular camping establishment. But hey, isn’t there another river in Bath?

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Chelmsford delight fans with a win

Words: Ken Edwards, Chelmsford Partners

Chelmsford women took were made to work hard in their first home match of the season, but were rewarded by taking a strong attacking line in the closing points to defeat Polonia London in three close sets.

With several first choice players unavailable, Chelmsford recruited Nonie Day and Alison Cox to rejoin the side for this vital first home fixture. Having trained only once with the squad the previous Thursday, both players acquitted themselves with honour to help Partners to victory. Player coach Angela Hill was returned to her first choice position as setter opposite captain for the day Sally Morris with Simone Blackmore and birthday girl Janelle Catzim playing middle attack. Nonie Day and Alison Cox played in the main outside attacking role.

First official for the game was Colombian international referee Maurice Villafave who is in England studying languages assisted by Ian Cheeseborough (Herts) The match started slowly with both sides keeping the ball in play testing the opposition defences. Partners were able to pull out a small lead and with Day and Blackmore very strong in defence. Polonia time outs at 15-16 and 22-23 down did nothing to shake the solid play from Partners who took the first set 25-23 with a towering block from Cox and Blackmore at the net.

In the next set Polonia threw caution to the winds and wound up the pace in both serve and attack. Chelmsford responded and it was Catzim and Blackmore through the middle that were the points winners as the Polonia team concentrated their blocking and attacking at the ends of the net. The teams were never more than a few points adrift, and it was often clever serving from Moore and Hill that were keeping Chelmsford in the hunt. At 21-21 it was anyone’s set as both defences were mopping up the attacking shots without either team able to consistently score. Again blocking broke the deadlock as Catzim and Day snuffed out a series of Polonia attacks and at 24-21 and set point, Partners looked in control of the set. A Polonia time out and extra effort saw them regain momentum and level the scores at 24-24 before a serving error gave Partners their fifth set point. Unable to convert again, the longest rally of the game ensued at the end of which the crowd were able to salute an athletic recovery shot by Catzim’s that forced a Polonia error. Partners made no mistake this time closing out 27-25 to go 2-0 up.

In the third set, Blackmore raised her game and led from the front blasting the ball away for Partners to take an early lead 11-7. Polonia continued to fight and in specialist back court libero player Cheynol had an excellent service receiver. But in rallies, she was matched by Cox and Moore whose court positioning allowed them to recover the now all out Polonia attacks. With Catzim blocking in the middle and Morris and Hill now able to vary their distribution of the ball, Partners were in an unstoppable groove. The visitors stayed in touch well but again at the death, it was the level and experienced heads of Chelmsford that saw them through at 25-23.

A welcome 3-0 victory to start the home season and please the crowd. Whilst the Polonia coach was asking his team to cut out unforced errors, in truth they had just met a better side on the day and in Blackmore a player hitting a rich vein of form. The officials’ selection of Blackmore as the Ken Pearce player of the match was well deserved and both teams also saluted Catzim with a verse of ‘Happy Birthday’ whilst relaxing over refreshments after the game. With the return of Heaton and Fryer, Chelmsford will be looking to retain this form on the weekend of 19th/20^th October when they are at home to City of Wolverhampton and Cloebury Herefordshire. Match start times are 12.45 at Anglia University Sporthall.

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READERS LIVES

Just to break the trend of Brentwood and Romford players appearing here all the time, this issue brings to you Ken Edwards, long time stalwart of Chelmsford Partners

Biggest mistake as a child:

Where do I start. I do remember getting caught stealing sweets from Woolworths in Chadwell Heath which was a bad day. I also agreed to learn the piano and after about 10 years. I got up to chopsticks with two fingers – it nearly put me off music for life (but see later). As an only child I used to play wargames with plastic soldiers on my floor – you know the sort of thing, matchsticks from cannons, ruck up the carpet for the hills. Well during a particularly vicious skirmish at Waterloo Mark 2 with Napoleon well on top… but no its too gruesome to mention, Buy me a beer sometime and perhaps I’ll tell you the ending

Have you met all of your childhood dreams:

I had nightmares as a child, no really. I thought I was on the end of a big drill being drilled into a wall and would wake up screaming. Who did I want to be? Well Keith Emerson from The Nice/Emerson Lake and Palmer was pretty close – that damn piano again. I suppose I wanted to be particle physicist so it was obvious I would become a banker really like anyone without any serious ambitions. That’s enough to make anyone wake up screaming.

Occupation:

I love this one. I’m RETIRED. Let me repeat that.......RETIRED. This means my diary is overloaded. For example, I am a friend of the British Museum, Member of English Heritage and National Trust, Institute of Bankers all of whose events I regularly attend. I help at the local voluntary care group; my old firm’s pensioner visits; I caravan; I run a few web sites; learn German; read a bit; organising some SportscoachUK courses; am chairman of the local sports council; on the Federation of Eastern Sport; a VIP regional award panel member; involved with the Parish Council; a mentor for a small business; about to start helping at the local special needs school … and have just agreed to run a creativity seminar. On the volleyball side, I Chair for Chelmsford Partners and play/coach on occasion, write their articles for various publications (and very grateful we are too!! - Ed), arrange a few socials, keep the club running smoothly, that sort of thing. My Essex VA duties aren’t quite as extensive nowadays but I’m still Vice President and help out when needed. Last year I arranged and kept the minutes to meetings, created a welcome pack, arranged seminars. Trying to maintain the Essex Website with the help from my son. Keep archive material of old papers, meetings and first editions of Spike (I was the first Editor). I’d recently resigned as Eastern Region Coaching Co-ordinator and now I’m just U15’s squads manager. Finally, I’m currently arranging and attending the level 3 coaching course as well as three Sportscoach UK workshops. Referee on occasion (for example, JUVO) and collect lots of volleyball trivia and bits. Coaching manuals etc. and a very fetching volleyball ‘Tigger’ Beanie Baby!

Could you bore people senseless at a dinner table:
Are you kidding? Have you heard me on the younger generation (not ‘nough respect for us old uns) or perhaps there’s the story of my disputes with the Water Company, the Gas company, the package holiday company. I always win. Need I go on and on??

Worst Habit:

Thinking my body will do what my volleyball brain tells me to do. I have a speciality as a setter of volleying the second ball straight into a roof block and wasting the good ball in. My colleagues really love me for that!

What music would we find in your car:

Currently Richard Hickox a celebration (all classical stuff), Early Cool – various jazz, Clannad – Legend, Russian Balalaika Music, Son of Cheap Thrills – Frank Zappa, Jethro Tull, Status Quo hits 2 and Hinge and Bracket

Name your top five albums:

Ouch, I wish I’d read that before answering the last one. For the purpose of this I will ignore classical music, world music and jazz. In no apparent order
Brain Salad Surgery – ELP
Abbey Road – Beatles
At their Satanic Majesties Request – Rolling Stones
Piper at the gates of Dawn – Pink Floyd
Surrealistic Pillow – Jefferson Airplane
I think this dates me as a teenager of the 60’s quite nicely.

If you had to give a young relative a piece of advice, what would it be:

Take every opportunity to learn and give yourself the opportunity to see different things
– learn languages, travel and meet people. Oh yes, and ignore advice from older people.

Unfulfilled dreams?:

Travel – Great Wall, Pyramids that sort of thing. Driving an Aston Martin or better still having enough money to own one. Understanding my computer enough to do what I want it to do - yes definitely unfulfilled that one

You’re in a train compartment approaching a tunnel with Jeremy Clarkson, Paxman and Beadle. Absolutely sure you could get away with it, which one would you hit:

Has to be Paxman. I actually like Clarkson and he is not pretentious. Beadle is an irrelevant fool, why both. But Paxman on University Challenge needs someone to take him to task.

What would you be doing if you weren’t a volleyballer:

There are those who say I am no longer a volleyballer now! I’ll have you know my last serious match was an international and we won (well actually it was a knock about game with some much younger Poles at a caravan event). I suspect the answer is not a lot – drinking and watching telly. I really only took it up in 1965 at school to stay inside when it was raining and have got worse since then.

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HANDICAP CUP 02/03

TEAM

Brentwood Essex Girls                                25              Harlow                              `       11
Tendring U16                                                23              Brentwood Buzzards             11
Brentwood Rookies                                     21              Romford Wildcards                  9
Brentwood Divas                                          17              Redden Court                           9
Brentwood Youth                                           17              Brentwood Woofs                    7
Tendring Mixed                                             13              Romford Rascals                      5
Exiles                                                             13              Tendring U18                             5
Brentwood Wildthings                                  -3

ROUND 3 UK BEACH GP SERIES BOSCOMBE 6TH/7TH JULY 2002

Words: Paul Czerkawski, Essex Estonians

Due to work commitments, we didn’t get down to Bournemouth until about 10pm Friday night. This didn’t stop Ben and I from going out for a couple of bevy’s and sampling a little more of Bournemouth’s great nightlife.

We were up bright and breezy on Saturday morning to face Gus and some other guy from Wessex VC. Both experienced beach players, Ben and I thought we might have difficulty overcoming these boys. However, we were mistaken. With some great jump serving by Ben and some power hitting by myself, as well as some great cover by the both of us, we dismantled them 21-12, 21-10.

We won the following game too without dropping a set, and thought we were through to the Quarters as one pair had dropped out. However as fate would have it we had to face Paul Boyd and Peter Preiser in the battle of the Essex big guns! This was a match we had wanted to play for a while to see who was now the best beach pair in Essex. The match was a scrappy affair, but Ben and I managed to scrape it 2 sets to 0. We had again qualified for the next round!

Saturday night we went to a really cool Tapas bar and then hit the GP party at Jumpin’ Jaks. Unfortunately there were fights kicking off, and looking as sweet and innocent as Ben and I do, they surprisingly didn’t let us in… . We ended up venturing to a few bars and then went home about 1am in preperation for our third Quarter Final in three competitions!

Sunday morning, the weather was not pleasant. Overcast, cold and spitting with rain, it was not ideal. The only saving grace was a lack of wind. The match was against Jurek Janckowski, the England Libero, and partner. Ben and I started brightly and took an early lead. We were passing and controlling the ball well, and were hitting with some considerable power. Jurek and friend found it difficult to cope with us, but being the wiley players they were, they played clever cut and placement shots and got back in the game. At 18-12 up I thought we had won it, but lost 21-20 due to the oppositions clever play, and some untimely errors. This was a major blow as we had been the better team, but had still lost!!. The second set was a non-starter as we could not get over the disappointment of the first set and were fed up with the miserable conditions. We lost 21-15 after playing like a couple of tw*ts.

Our next match was an altogether happier affair. The weather brightened and we played a couple of lads from Oxford University. The match was fairly tight in the first set, but we stamped our authority on the game and won 21-19, 21-16.

All in all a reasonably successful campaign, although we didn’t qualify for the main GP. Next year will hopefully be a different story…

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STUFF YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW

Which is basically the same useless information as it’s predecessor, ‘Elvie’s Eye on the World’. This is clearly a lie as Elvie hasn’t seen anything of the world and still regards the away leg to Tendring as a pretty long way to go! This issue we have the story of how NASA were influenced by a horses arse. It’s a true story....... honest

The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And, the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

There’s an interesting(!) extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds.

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse’s Ass!

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CONTRIBUTORS

Very, many thanks to all those who took the time to contribute this quarter. They include:

Tom Martin, Ken Edwards, Steve Corr, Paul Czerkawski, Jon Pennock, Prozac

and finally.....

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe,

"I’m an extractor fan"

Elv

NEXT ISSUE: December 14^TH ARTICLES NO LATER THAN 28TH November. THANK YOU

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